Wednesday, January 11, 2006

The Elements

The Elements are in disarray. For the past few days it has rained and been gloomy from start to finish. The blue day remains beyond the sheer, impenetrable veil of thinly clustered clouds. Think the Matrix but milder.

A bolt of lightning heralds a crescendo of thunder. I wonder how the Sec 4s are doing in Kluang. When we went the weather was pleasantly cool and the wind was heavenly. Perhaps they will not be so fortunate. Perhaps they will. I note from the blogs of a few of them that they do not appreciate this venture one bit. Neither did I, but I was pleasantly surprised. Kluang was the high point of outdoorsy life. Perhaps their reasons differ, for I am not of the religious persuasion. But then circumstances dictate action, more so than vice-versa. Change time, change democracy and the greater consensus, or change yourself. Action is, understandably, easier.

I wish Singapore were colder and windier. Tropical weather I despise, with its static, unchanging balmy humidity and stifling, sticky post-rain depression. I wish we had Australian weather, with the offshore winds and beautiful blue skies with their golden sunsets. With the pleasant cool climate and appropriately wet weather. Or perhaps subzero Chicago, with similar blue skies and bone-chilling winds that give the Windy City its reputation.

I have outlined a nominal plan to achieve my personal ends.

Plan A (Da Plan)

Firstly, we shall have to devise a method to tilt the rotational axis of the Earth, or alternatively, to accelerate continental shift so that Singapore may be moved several degrees up latitude, although I see no way to accomplish this. Asteroidal impacts are out of the question; they cause too much destruction. I suggest something similar; the use of a large planetary body of a mass similar to that of Earth's to alter its orientation.

There are several complications to be addressed.

1. Inevitable collateral fallout.
2. The alteration of climates dictates the inevitable mass displacement of biota.
3. Tourist destinations must be radically altered.
4. George W Bush must find a way to address the US budget deficit.
5. Suitable planetary body of appropriate size must be found.
6. Cimates will be far more variable, given the greater axial tilt, thus requiring massive bioengineering works on existent biota.
7. This one is way out on the left field, but I shall address it nonetheless. Such an action may cause nearby space aliens, aka extraterrestrial entities, to take notice of our civilization, leading to a number of possible consequences ranging fro our entry into a form of intergalactic confederation or the utter annihilation of our species a la Independence Day.
8. New branches of supramathematics will have to be invented to predict and plan the intriacate orbital paths of said planetary body in order to most accuarately alter the axial tilt to appropriate levels.
9. A branch of NASA will have to convene. Names will probably range from EATAC (Earth Axial Tilt Alteration Committee) to USGANASACIAEATTMAL (US Govt. NASA Committee for the Inevitable Alteration of the Earth's Axial Tilt To More Managable Levels).
10. The extermination of the elephant and associated lifeforms.
11. Martin Scorese/Steven Spielberg will probably have to do inspirational autobiographical flicks on the life of the noble NASA engineer in charge of everything.

After everything a Committee for the Salvation of Terrestrial Life (COSTEL) will have to convene to solve the constituent problems which may include (in no particular order of severity):

1. Climate fall-out.
2. Anomalous geological activity, eg multiple volcanic eruptions, earthquakes, splitting of the crust, massive flooding, gravitational stress on cities etc.
3. Altered conditions for the survival of the ecosphere.
4. Mass hysteria and panicking.
5. Greedy insurance agents on the side.
6. Possible intervention of Bill Gates and extraterrestrial lifeforms.
7. The delay in the release of the XBox and dual-core systems in Powerbooks.
8. North Korea.

The goals of this particular undertaking include the shifting of Singapore into a temperate climate zone, which will grant us relative cool or utter dangerous cold, depending on the extent of the tilt.

Plan B

Migrate. Not viable because I don't intend to.

Plan C

Grit teeth and endure it. Suggested to be optimal solution involving negligible costs.

Evidently I am in a fair mood to-day. The above is meant to be self-deprecation.

If wishes were wings pigs could fly.

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