Tuesday, December 20, 2005

How to End A War

Thither lies the document that put an end to the Thousand-Year War (TYW, The Cabbage War, TCW) between the Imperium of Humanity (Humim, IoH, IH, The Imperium, TI, Sunstar Empire (Outsiders), To'rak'innen (Jandrith), The Great Empire of Man, tGEM, tGEoM) and the Jandrith Domain-that-Encompasses [rough translation] (Jandrith'Kar, The Jandrith Empire, The Enemy, Those Four-Eyed Slugs (apocryphal), The Darkstorm (Outsiders), The Jandrith Dominion, Jandriffa).

Be awed at its grandeur. Be awed at its simplicity. For it is of two edges, for peace, for misunderstanding. It began the war That Took a Billion Lives and ended it, but only when its cause had been lost in the depths of time and Jandrith shared-memory disposal. For it is written by Our Kin, that once was Our Implacable Enemy. It is written in haste and misunderstanding. What began as a peacable dialogue is now cause for mourning. Mourn, O People, for what is lost in the blood of a million suns. Weep for what could have been.

Taken from Kar'Tal'Huuman (The Report on the Humans), as dictated by High Augur Nast'kil to Various Appendages, 88084 of the Kil'vas and 3407 of the Era of the Imperium (EI). Translated by Jonash Kyger, First Scholar to the Court of Terra, 4624 of the Era of the Imperium (EI).

M'Highest Dictator. Herein is the Report on the Humans. Herein lies Your Subject's eager and unrestrained counsel. The Subject most assuredly suggests immediate war (Option A3) with these mammalian hallucinogen-inducers. (note this translates to Jar'ki'dilvan'dil, a conventional Jandrith curse used for formal occasions. For more information on Jandrith physiology refer to Sandar Koon's Imperial Study on Jandrith Physiology, AA1.)

Let Us denigrate Ourselves by offering an Inadequate Explanation to Your Ears. The Diplomatic Function with the humans held on their home planet of Terra, upon First Contact, has dislodged Our Radiosensitive Patches (Jandrith ocular organs) to the unwashed barbarity of this species.

These humans have similar requirements to mantain their repulsive physiques as Ours, M'Highest. Immediately following the Contact ceremony the humans invited Us to what passes as an Immersion experience with these unsophisticates. The humans have this concept they call Culture (kuul'cher). We feel ashamed to have received this well at first. We can only drag Our Appendages in chagrin. The head ambassador of the humans invited Us to a Cultural Experience on Terra, the equivalent of going out to observe the unwashed activities of the Common Strata (Kell'tar'klos) of these humans. A portion of this activity took place in the human's food distribution centres.

We feel We must explain a facet of this human Culture to Your Munificence, M'Highest. The humans do not heed Our Way. Their strange and repungant mentalities embrace an ideology so removed from Our Own as to be diametrically alien to Us. Unlike Our Food Distribution Centers, that dispense nutrients to One and All in equal proportion, these humans repel the golden caress of Our Way and seek the anti-egalitarian, using packets of conceived value to exchange for items their physiques require, as if their technologies were insufficient to provide in Equality for All. This complicated process was explained to Us by the ambassador, and We profess the profoundest confusion. It seems to Us that the human system of Economics (Ek'nom'necs) is so hopelessly contorted as to abandon all rationality.

In any case, We halted at a centre dispensing foodstuff humans require to keep their physiques in shape. The human ambassador terms these foodstuffs Vegetables.

Indeed, M'Highest. The humans display the flayed remnants of their invalids for consumption! From their horrible green ganglia to the marrows of their limbs, they hang them all up for their own terrible ends! If You consult Your records, it shall be seen that Vegetables are what humans call their Gil. That such unutterable terror should be unleashed upon the Universe! It was all We could do not to flee at once. For these humans do not merely partake in such degeneration, they flaunt it openly. For now we know they are scions of the Trickster Deity, and spin lies at His whim. Everything humans say is a lie. Everything they do is contrary to Our expectation and Our Way.

It was easy enough to perceive the truth after the human ambassador denied Our Perception, for he lies. It is in his nature to do so. He cannot tell the truth. Everything humans say is a lie.

The humans rounded off their filthy discourse by invoking a paradox to Augur Go'kan'thos, which killed Them. The humans must be annihliated, their carbon-based biochemistries subjected to schizophrenic contusions. This is Our conclusion.


As you can perceive, the Report smoothed misunderstanding once understanding and communication was achieved. The Report ended the War. It paved the way for the Great Law of the Planets, which set the parameters for communication with further aliens. It gives rise to a new era of peace everlasting. It stops the production of paradox guns.O people, witness your salvation in the hands of Jandrith folly and wisdom.

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